The funniest comment thread on the Internet

It was just another day on the Internet. Facebooking, StumblingUpon, email, email, email, and Twitter. Pinterest. Then some more Twitter. All was going as normal until my friend Sven posted this link. Not just any link; this link was the Link of all Links to make my other links look like trembling, weeny, insignificant links. It linked to an Amazon product: Veet Hair Removal for Men.

veet for men

*snort*

It’s giggle worthy, I’ll admit. But that’s mainly because, while woman are envisioned as sleek, hairless, svelte creatures; most men are hairy buggers. Like bears, or puppies. Big hairy puppies that wake you up at 6am. Where would these Veet-buying men even remove their hair? Chests? That’s all I can think of. My dad, brothers and boyfriend have all got hairless chests (like male models) and not like Young Alec Baldwin:

young alec baldwin

Of course, another area ready for hair removal is the, erm, genital area. Like Hollywood waxes are the trend for women, there is a similar, no holds-barred attitude taken to male pubes. Partly because the erm, organ, looks bigger without all the unnecessary fluff, and partly for, erm, other reasons.

With that thought in mind, Veet put very clearly on the product DO NOT PUT ON GENITALS. The comments to this product, after disobeying the instructions, make for some of the funniest reading I have ever done. I pasted some of the best ones here, but to read the rest follow this link.

Reviews of Veet Hair Removal for Men

‘Being a loose cannon who does not play by the rules the first thing I did was ignore the warning and smear this all over my knob and bollocks. The bollocks I knew and loved are gone now. In their place is a maroon coloured bag of agony.’ (Rest below)

Being a loose cannon who does not play by the rules the first thing I did was ignore the warning and smear this all over my knob and bollocks. The bollocks I knew and loved are gone now. In their place is a maroon coloured bag of agony which sends stabs of pain up my body every time it grazes against my thigh or an article of clothing. I am suffering so that you don’t…

 

‘Although as a man I lack the required experience, I’m going to estimate that using this product is at least eleven times more painful than childbirth.

Imagine sticking a rusty razor blade into your favourite eye, before tying your hands behind your back. Then imagine that you use the entrenched razor blade to slice open a raw onion. All the while being butt naked. This product is slightly more painful than that.’ (Rest below)

‘I like the clean shaven look down in my gentleman’s log cabin, so for the past few years I’ve used a shaver. However the hair keeps growing back which means every 6 months I have to spend 20 minutes trimming again. As I’m sure you’ve realise this is valuable time I cannot waste. So I decided to get to the root of the problem and purchased this product.
Probably the first thing you will notice after using this product is the pain. Although as a man I lack the required experience, I’m going to estimate that using this product is at least eleven times more painful than childbirth.
Imagine sticking a rusty razor blade into your favourite eye, before tying your hands behind your back. Then imagine that you use the entrenched razor blade to slice open a raw onion. All the while being butt naked. This product is slightly more painful than that.
However if we ignore the blinding, crippling and debilitating pain I should point out that this product is remarkably effective. Before, all manner of organisms great and small lived down there, now nothing can grow; not even on a cellular level. Sadly this includes my genitalia; I’ve spent the last four hours staring fixedly at Carol Vorderman’s arse, all to no avail. My tinkywinkleton hasn’t even so much as perked up, so if my review seems a bit harsh, it’s only because I wanted children.
All in all an effective and reasonably priced product – 3 Stars. ‘

‘My eyes widening with mounting horror, I surveyed the damage occurring to my sausage and beans with no small sense of panic. My pubes were actually bubbling and fizzing, in much the same way they might if one of James Cameron’s Aliens had just sprayed their acid blood upon them. There were no swear words strong enough to adequately describe the agony, and in my delirium I began making them up. I don’t recall exactly what I screamed, but I’m fairly sure the entirely-new expletive “funting” was employed.

With as much haste as I could muster I hobbled into the shower and applied cooling water to the conflagration in my crotch, which only served to spread the napalm to my perineum. I am not a church-going man but as I felt the flaming horror trickle across that tender inch of no-man’s land, I confess that I prayed aloud to Jesus and his host of angels that the advancing agony would not stray into my buttonhole. However, my prayers went unheeded, and as I felt the liquid inferno sizzle its way into my most private of eyes, I lost consciousness, but not before grabbing the shower curtain and collapsing, in a disturbing echo of that famous scene from Hitchcock’s “Psycho”.’ (Rest below)

‘Possessing as I do a genital cluster that bears an uncanny resemblance (and indeed aroma) to Chewbacca’s armpit, I decided to purchase this product. Upon applying the creme to my tassel and conkers, I was taken aback by a sudden and disturbing gasping noise, followed by a sound that I can only describe as the horrific howlings from Satan’s own Hell Hound, Cerberus. As I whirled around to view the source of the noise, I perchanced to glance in the bathroom mirror, and, seeing my own mouth stretched agape in a terrible rictus of agony, I deduced the sound was coming from me.
My eyes widening with mounting horror, I surveyed the damage occurring to my sausage and beans with no small sense of panic. My pubes were actually bubbling and fizzing, in much the same way they might if one of James Cameron’s Aliens had just sprayed their acid blood upon them. There were no swear words strong enough to adequately describe the agony, and in my delirium I began making them up. I don’t recall exactly what I screamed, but I’m fairly sure the entirely-new expletive “funting” was employed.
With as much haste as I could muster I hobbled into the shower and applied cooling water to the conflagration in my crotch, which only served to spread the napalm to my perineum. I am not a church-going man but as I felt the flaming horror trickle across that tender inch of no-man’s land, I confess that I prayed aloud to Jesus and his host of angels that the advancing agony would not stray into my buttonhole. However, my prayers went unheeded, and as I felt the liquid inferno sizzle its way into my most private of eyes, I lost consciousness, but not before grabbing the shower curtain and collapsing, in a disturbing echo of that famous scene from Hitchcock’s “Psycho”. Although believe me, being hacked to death by Norman Bates in a dress would have been a walk in the park compared to the searing agony I endured that fateful day. ‘

‘On a positive note, it has removed all traces of hair. It has also removed any possibility of engaging in gentlemanly pursuits (singles or mixed doubles) for at least a couple of weeks. The Kids enjoy the amusing baboon impression dad now performs everytime he sits down though.’ (Rest below)

‘Like a lot of reviewers, I decided that a tidy up was in order after noticing Stephen and the twins looked not unlike Gandalf in a thunderstorm. Being somewhat worried about waving sharp blades near my gentlemens mechanicals, this stuff seemed like a good bet.
Should anyone wish to experience a similar level of pain, I suggest lowering your love spuds into a pan of boiling cillit bang, whilst getting a friend or colleague to roughly insert a pineapple into the suntanned cyclops using a six pound sledgehammer and a good run up.
On a positive note, it has removed all traces of hair. It has also removed any possibility of engaging in gentlemanly pursuits (singles or mixed doubles) for at least a couple of weeks. The Kids enjoy the amusing baboon impression dad now performs everytime he sits down though.’

‘The water uncovered bald patches interspersed with clumps of wizened pubes and I’m now left with a groin area that’s so inflamed and wrinkled it looks like Sid James with alopecia.’ (Rest below)

‘The good lady wife has used the original women’s version of this for years and has always had ladies bits smoother than a Teddy Pendergrass album. So when she pointed out that it was looking like Terry Waite’s allotment inside my pants I decided to take action.
The first mistake was letting the missus get involved in the process. She joined me in the shower with the tube of Veet, put a liberal amount in her hand and proceeded to cover not only my pubis overgrowth but also my nads and old boy. Five minutes later I was in complete agony and experiencing a burning sensation that could not have been worse had I fired up the wok-ring on the gas hob and lowered myself slowly onto it. Realising my pain she tried to hose the cream off but it was too early, I hadn’t left it on long enough to do its business. The water uncovered bald patches interspersed with clumps of wizened pubes and I’m now left with a groin area that’s so inflamed and wrinkled it looks like Sid James with alopecia.
Saying that, if you keep it away from the groin area and follow the instructions it does work. Whilst sitting on the sofa with a fan blowing cold air inbetween my legs to reduce the swelling I found one of my daughters stencils under the sofa. I’ve now got a great silhouette of Peppa Pig in my chest hair. Five stars….’

‘Makes my farts sound louder. The hair must have acted as a interlocking silencer.. I give this the big thumbs up. 5/5′

‘…balanced on one leg in the shower holding a shaving mirror between my legs, and pushing my throbbing nads to one side with the toilet brush, I could see what I can only describe as a Gollum’s head tortured and battered by a Taliban interrogation unit, peering up at me through a single screwed up puffy eye, looking pretty sorry for itself. On closer inspection my two previously furry love-eggs had absconded deep into my body for protection leaving my somewhat forlorn looking scrotum hanging there, like a pelican’s over-filled neck pouch which had been flogged with a barbed wire paddle.’ (Rest below)

‘Well curiosity, and Betty Swollocks, finally got the better of me, so I purchased a few tubes of Veet for men. How excited I was sat waiting for the delivery man…
Crouching on the floor next to my front door in wait for the post, I caught the discreetly packaged product before it hit the floor on passing through my letterbox. I was stripped bollock naked before I reached the landing in the stairwell, liberally smearing my treasured, but hairy, man-bits with a nice cold gloopy cream as I ascended the stairs – which was worth the money in itself, I settled down and waited for the wonder stuff to work its miracle and dissolve my Amazonian rain-forest!
3 hours 45 minutes later I decided to get up off the landing carpet, go shower and inspect the results… balanced on one leg in the shower holding a shaving mirror between my legs, and pushing my throbbing nads to one side with the toilet brush, I could see what I can only describe as a Gollum’s head tortured and battered by a Taliban interrogation unit, peering up at me through a single screwed up puffy eye, looking pretty sorry for itself. On closer inspection my two previously furry love-eggs had absconded deep into my body for protection leaving my somewhat forlorn looking scrotum hanging there, like a pelican’s over-filled neck pouch which had been flogged with a barbed wire paddle.
Admittedly, I’ve been a tad tender for a few weeks, especially when cycling, but now the swelling and bruising has subsided my love missile is starting to look like Fatima Whitbread’s throwing arm again. Shame that I now have to replace the stair carpet where it has melted through to the floorboards though. :(

About samanthasteele

"It's a curious fact that people are never so trivial as when they take themselves seriously." - Oscar Wilde
This entry was posted in Digital World and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to The funniest comment thread on the Internet

  1. Pingback: 9 Wackiest Comment Threads | CamLaughter.com : Fun at Your Finger

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s