Over sexposed

Over sexposed

This post is also on the Fairlady site.

There’s one thing to be said against vibrators – they ruined the image of the poor bunny forever. Once The Rabbit made it onto Sex and the City, the reputation of the poor little fuzz ball was done for.

Whether it’s from religion or moral conservatism or whatever, sex can add a sordid side to anything (the poor widdle wabbit!); though sex is actually rather beautiful: intimacy, love and pleasure all combined into something amazing – like the Woolworths triple chocolate pudding.rabbit vs dildo

That’s kind of what I was expecting from the Sexpo. After all, the tagline is “a health, sexuality and lifestyle expo”. But, I realised after I got my ass whipped as I walked in (literally; the girl had a whip), health and lifestyle wouldn’t get much coverage here – unless bondage falls under lifestyle?

It seems this Sexpo was an homage to the penis. They were all over the place, some attached to men (naked men, and, well, I guess, clothed men too), others not. There was a giant golden member that could be ridden like a mechanical bull (but with less thrust) and a gazillion dildos and vibrators, and naked people. Yes, naked people. Now, I don’t consider myself conservative, but it’s extremely difficult to have a casual chat with a completely naked man (only things adorning his body: hiking boots, his Sexpo exhibitor’s card and hair gel) without your eyes involuntarily darting down to his, you know, junk.

  Dildos and vibrators
Only the worthy may ride. Nah, that’s a lie. Hop on! Ev-ery-where. Seriously.

I felt accosted by penii (sounds better than penises, no?) as I walked around the venue. All the while amateur – volunteers from the audience – porn stars were loudly panting and moaning while grabbing each other’s butts on stage, and people dressed in lewd, almost nude, costumes strutted around the CTICC with forced sexiness. A few guys hit on me with greasy pick-up lines, while clenching the rope hanging from their belts in a very phallic manner. I wasn’t impressed, or turned on.

But back to penises. It was while walking around the Sexpo that I stumbled across…

THE EMPEROR!

Now that is a mother-trucking HUGE dildo. My god. An elephant could use that thing. It’s terrifying! Who the frick would… in… when they’re… ? Shudder. It seems almost masochistic! I remember talking with a few of my black girlfriends (please note the colour of The Emperor) who said a few times (as in more than once!) they’ve hooked up with a black guy and when things got… heated… and clothes were dropping quicker than a politician’s morals, they suddenly realised the guy was too well endowed. Seriously. Too well endowed. To all men that’ve wished for a big little guy – take heed of this! One friend said she told one of these guys: “Nuh-uh, that’s not going to fit in here!” (guess where she was pointing) before tossing him back out on the street. So it seems size does matter. And, I have to say, dating a black guy, I find the very first question I get asked about Mr Tall isn’t, “Is he nice?” or “What does he do?” but rather, “Are the rumours about black guys true?” And a lady never tells.

But luckily there weren’t just penis shaped vibrators at the Sexpo. There were also ones for women with alien/sea urchin fetishes.

When turned off. When you start pushing the right buttons…

Now ladies, no human penis can do that.

And there’s also this:

The Studbutler. My soul just squirms against this one. Well, I guess it’s for the woman that wants more than a simple phallis with her sex toy. But it still doesn’t mow the lawn. And, it’s, well, kind of gross.

If you are going to get a sex toy, rather go for the weird looking, but ergonomically designed Delight:

Delight

Everyone I spoke to at Sexpo had only complimentary things to say about this device. Head over there (Sexpo is on till Sunday, though the Delight is also available at local store Whet and online at Passionfruit).

In the end, Sexpo was fun, but it also made me feel dirty – and not in a good way. Viva (innocent) bunny rabbits, viva!

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