Can’t touch this

Can’t touch this

Some compliments are actually pretty offensive.

Like: “Those shoes make your feet look dainty” (“You have MONSTER FEET”) or “Your face is pretty from this angle” (“You remind me of the Beast in Beauty and the Beast – but with more hair”). That’s kind of how I feel about creepy old men hitting on me.

Sure, being flirted with by the Crypt Keeper or Mr Rapist means that someone – some other human being – finds you attractive enough to Dare to Make an Advance. And ask for your phone number. And where you live. Shudder.

But it also means that you’re talking to Mr Rapist and enduring his halitosis while trying to make a polite getaway. Then there’s the question that always floats to the top: why me? WHY are they always attracted to ME?! Maybe that’s why it’s insulting. This isn’t an eligible young gentleman; but rather someone with one clear objective in mind. (You in the boot of their car.)

I must look like an easy target because, lately, I’ve been beating creepy old men off with a stick. One, particularly greasy and rotund, followed me in his car to the parking lot outside my office; where he asked for my phone number. Another shouted “Hey darling!” in the shops. Am I making a high-pitched sound only Stalker Men can hear?

My problem, simply, is politeness. A colleague says her emphatic response is “No, no, no, no, NO. Just NO.” Another says, “You have to let them know they’re creeps!” Don’t play nice! Instead of doing that, I smile nervously, check I’m not in a dark alleyway and say “No, sorry, I can’t give you my phone number, rather here’s my email address” before scrawling down an old address I rarely check that doesn’t use my real name. Like my friend Alet says, when someone asks for my phone number I suddenly turn into a deer in the headlamps.

Deer in the headlamps.

But I have to ask, Creepy Old Men of the World, do you SERIOUSLY think I’m going to have sex with you?? Really? Really really? What exactly is it about me that gives you hope (so I can stop doing it)?

What’s your response when a creeper hits on you? Alternatively, if you are a creepy old man, what do you look for in a woman? Please leave comments below!


Man who stalked me in his car DID email me. The text, unedited, is below:

Hi samenta this morning you give me email  how are you i like you so much you have baby face  I like your face and your body if you want call me my phone number 082 *** ****
see yaa

So, good to know that I have a baby face. Wow. Feeling very special right now.

Help me out! Should I reply to this guy?


3 thoughts on “Can’t touch this

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