Tim Noakes ain’t no joke | Fit Bitch

Tim Noakes ain’t no joke | Fit Bitch

Today , I turned 28, and realised with a sad sigh that I can cast off phrases like ‘When I was younger’ in a non-facetious manner and mention ‘ten years ago’ quite casually like a real grown-up.

I’m also finding it harder to lose weight.

This is partly because I haven’t really tried this year yet. And partly because I haven’t really exercised. And partly because my aging metabolism is giving me the huge middle finger… All of which is why I signed up with the well.i.am challenge which has thus far lead to increased amounts of guilt but no real action on my part (which I’m sure was not the organisers intended when they invited me to participate.)


Eventually, El Boyfriendo got a bit tired of me sadly poking my stomach all the time and mournfully comparing myself to the Michelin Man (with better hair) and suggested we hop on the weight loss bandwagon a few of our friends were riding: the Tim Noakes diet.

At first it made me think:


But then I realised he might have a point and we could both afford to lose the ‘there’s more of me to love’ weight we’d gained from moving in together.

If you’ve been living under a rock for the past few months, the Tim Noakes or Banting diet is a simple eating plan with two rules.

1) FUCK ALL CARBS. Carbs = bad things. Carbs make us fat. Carbs are what Satan eats. TOUCH CARBS AND YOU ARE CHOOSING TO BE UNHAPPY.

2) Fats are the shiz niz. Drop all carbs and slather delicious cream on your steak (which is SERIOUSLY what my GP recommended). Put butter in your coffee and you will not only be thinner but also happier because BUTTER MAKES PEOPLE HAPPY (this is a self-evident truth – butter does make people happy).

Obviously, I am being a bit of a dick. But this in essence is the theory and you’re supposed to lose weight because fat sates you, so you eat less, and also because carbs are the anti-christ.


So we did the thing. We went shopping and bought about 20kgs of fruit and lots of steak and veggies and NO BREAD NOT EVEN ONE BREAD. Feeling chuffed and healthy, and after reading approximately zero literature on the diet and instead relying only on what we garnered through osmosis and remembered from having Noakesians over for dinner, we started the eating plan.

BREAKFAST: Avo and bacon. Also fruit.

LUNCH: Chicken feta salad slathered in olive oil. Also, fruit.

DINNER: Cauliflower mash with a hefty portion of marscapone mixed in, and steak.


We were preening ourselves until we had a true Noakesian over and she looked horrified at all our fruit. ‘Do you know how much SUGAR is in there?’ she asked.

We had not known.


The second glitch was two days later when we ate sushi for supper.

Some would consider that a failure but I’m quite proud because WE LASTED TWO WHOLE DAYS ON THE TIM NOAKES DIET.


Now we’re sticking to an eating plan that suits me: moderation and LOW carb. Yoghurt, salads, cauliflower mash (which is DELICIOUS), and, of course, bacon.

Except of course for today. Calories don’t count on your birthday. And I plan to inhale as many carbohydrates (mostly in cake form) as humanly possible. BRING. IT. ON.




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