Tim Noakes ain’t no joke | Fit Bitch

Tim Noakes ain’t no joke | Fit Bitch

Today , I turned 28, and realised with a sad sigh that I can cast off phrases like ‘When I was younger’ in a non-facetious manner and mention ‘ten years ago’ quite casually like a real grown-up.

I’m also finding it harder to lose weight.

This is partly because I haven’t really tried this year yet. And partly because I haven’t really exercised. And partly because my aging metabolism is giving me the huge middle finger… All of which is why I signed up with the well.i.am challenge which has thus far lead to increased amounts of guilt but no real action on my part (which I’m sure was not the organisers intended when they invited me to participate.)

7d08a21a9ec1243cdc9aad1dc33ea035

Eventually, El Boyfriendo got a bit tired of me sadly poking my stomach all the time and mournfully comparing myself to the Michelin Man (with better hair) and suggested we hop on the weight loss bandwagon a few of our friends were riding: the Tim Noakes diet.

At first it made me think:

e35694c7e80e84d482dc1b03f345478c

But then I realised he might have a point and we could both afford to lose the ‘there’s more of me to love’ weight we’d gained from moving in together.

If you’ve been living under a rock for the past few months, the Tim Noakes or Banting diet is a simple eating plan with two rules.

1) FUCK ALL CARBS. Carbs = bad things. Carbs make us fat. Carbs are what Satan eats. TOUCH CARBS AND YOU ARE CHOOSING TO BE UNHAPPY.

2) Fats are the shiz niz. Drop all carbs and slather delicious cream on your steak (which is SERIOUSLY what my GP recommended). Put butter in your coffee and you will not only be thinner but also happier because BUTTER MAKES PEOPLE HAPPY (this is a self-evident truth – butter does make people happy).

Obviously, I am being a bit of a dick. But this in essence is the theory and you’re supposed to lose weight because fat sates you, so you eat less, and also because carbs are the anti-christ.

e641e83251f6af44b5db07b76094a479

So we did the thing. We went shopping and bought about 20kgs of fruit and lots of steak and veggies and NO BREAD NOT EVEN ONE BREAD. Feeling chuffed and healthy, and after reading approximately zero literature on the diet and instead relying only on what we garnered through osmosis and remembered from having Noakesians over for dinner, we started the eating plan.

BREAKFAST: Avo and bacon. Also fruit.

LUNCH: Chicken feta salad slathered in olive oil. Also, fruit.

DINNER: Cauliflower mash with a hefty portion of marscapone mixed in, and steak.

f06ea9c6c2312dea78a100f18c998050

We were preening ourselves until we had a true Noakesian over and she looked horrified at all our fruit. ‘Do you know how much SUGAR is in there?’ she asked.

We had not known.

 

The second glitch was two days later when we ate sushi for supper.

Some would consider that a failure but I’m quite proud because WE LASTED TWO WHOLE DAYS ON THE TIM NOAKES DIET.

82df26aa40662270e1e60f84fd40cd7c

Now we’re sticking to an eating plan that suits me: moderation and LOW carb. Yoghurt, salads, cauliflower mash (which is DELICIOUS), and, of course, bacon.

Except of course for today. Calories don’t count on your birthday. And I plan to inhale as many carbohydrates (mostly in cake form) as humanly possible. BRING. IT. ON.

10518640_10154524456660637_8109558529357372853_n

 

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “Tim Noakes ain’t no joke | Fit Bitch

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s