Let me start this off by saying never, ever, ever Google ‘lady in stockings’. It was a deeply unpleasant surprise (when looking for an image for this blog post) to realise that ‘lady in stockings’ is actually a rather popular porn term.
In fact, just the word ‘stockings’ seems to open a faucet of internet depravity. In desperation I searched for ‘unhappy lady in stockings’ which just showed me unhappy ladies on the one hand, and then lady sex machines writhing in hormones and stockings on the other. It seems photos of people hating stockings do not exist.
We know you hate your life. You can stop pretending #DownWithStockings
Which confirms to me how important this article is. People, stockings are terrible. You’re not alone in your struggle.
Here are 6 things I hate – nay, ABHOR – about the blasted things.
- WHO DECIDED THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA They were invented by people that don’t wear them. I don’t want to say a man here BUT IT WAS DEFINITELY A MAN. (My maid of honour and renowned business journalist Lisa pointed that out to me, and it was so true I felt the ‘aha’ reverberate through each of cells in a Mexican wave effect that left me tingling).
- WHY SO PATHETIC The top of the stockings is so flimsy they roll down constantly – think leggings, people! It needs something to hold it up; a thicker top or an elastic or something. I mean really. I am either constantly hitching them around my waist OR praying that with a confident face no one will know my entire arse is exposed under my dress.
- SO MUCH OF TEARING Once, in a rush for a job interview, I ripped gaping holes in not one but TWO pairs of stockings. There’s nothing like a bit of eye shadow to cover up the tear in your look, amiright?
- BUSINESS LADY Sadly, like high heels, stockings are an essential part of the business lady attire. I am now Business Lady and Business Lady wants to be taken Seriously. So Business Lady wears dresses and stockings and heels and make-up. And after 5pm Business Lady changes into PJs so fast you wonder if, like Superman, she had them on underneath the whole time.
- THE TOILET, OH, THE TOILET Going to the bathroom is a fiesta of awkward and hitching and crying quietly into toilet paper.
- NEED NEW ONES ALL THE TIME Stockings lasting a season is laughable, LAUGHABLE! I’m hoping this is a universal problem and not a testament to my inelegance but I feel like I buy stockings as frequently as I buy milk.
Please, share your agony in the comments below. We can be honest. We all hate stockings. #DownWithStockings