United States of Cape Town

I’m pretty sure I know less than I know that I know, you know?

That’s why I try to avoid heated debates: one way to illustrate ignorance is by having strong opinions about things.

In fact, I try to stay out of arguments all together – the high-velocity swinging of quick-thinking come-backs makes me anxious. I get loud and panicked and (a little bit) stupid and all my beautiful theories and clever remarks turn into a loop of chaos I can’t unravel in the limited time I am allowed to retaliate in. Of course, once the air has cleared and everyone walks away, the red fog leaves my brain and all my brilliant ideas return in their full lucidity.

Useless.

It’s a disaster.

I’m telling you this because I might be setting myself up for a lot of retaliation by saying: there’s dreaming big, and then there’s dreaming stupid. And I think the Cape Party is dreaming stupid.

They want to make the Western Cape into an independent country called the Cape Nation.

I kid you not. Pictured: Cape Party's logo.

The Cape Nation. The Cape Nation. The Cape Nation. No matter how many times I say that, it still sounds completely insane.

Their logic goes:

• The Cape does better than the rest of South Africa economically: “An independent Cape is a much more viable economic entity than South Africa,” states the Party’s manifesto. They say that for every R100 sent to the state coffers, only R58 makes it back to the Cape.
• The Cape is unique in terms of language, culture, vegetation and so on and thus is working as an “independent entity” anyway (quote taken from the Cape Party’s manifesto).
• “The Cape, in spite of her long linguistic and cultural history, lost her independence in 1910 to a colonial mistake that forced together neighbouring lands in order to suit the needs of the British Empire,” says the manifesto.
• Small states work better than big states
• The Cape has a history of “not being a part of South Africa”
• Direct democracy should be implemented as the current system of proportional representation is “outdated”.
• South Africa is not looking out for its citizens, as the high crime rate indicates. The Cape Party also dislike BEE and think the current prison system is coddling the prisoners and encouraging gangsterism.

Their manifesto sounds as optimistic to me as the ANC’s manifesto in 1994; with promises of improved housing, economic freedom and (this is new) better internet.

They also have this quote all over the place: “First they ignore you. Then they laugh at you. Then they fight you. Then you win.” ~ Mahatma Ghandi (emphasis mine).

So… we’re at the laughing stage then. Or at least I am. It just seems so ridiculous. What would the Cape’s flag look like? The CP’s colours are red, white and blue.

This image is the header from their website: http://www.capeparty.com

But as a simple Google search indicates, that’s not terribly original.

Other countries starring red, white and blue as the only colours in their flags include:

• USA
• United Kingdom
• Slovakia
• Yugoslavia
• Thailand
• France
• Philippines
• Slovenia
• Chile
• Costa Rica

We’ll really stand out at the Olympics.

Hang on – will we even get into the Olympics? What about the UN? And if South Africa makes me get a visa to go visit my mom in Pretoria (ominous thunder rumbles threateningly in the background). I hear getting a visa for SA is a real pain.

Sure, Cape Town has the mountain and the vineyards, but Joburg has the money and, um, erm… the smog.

But the one thing that’s going to stop this secession more than anything else? I say this with love, but Capetonians are lazy. I just don’t see everyone going to all that effort to separate from South Africa. And running a country is so much work. We’ll need new passports, a new national anthem (‘Don’t hate me coz I’m beautiful’?), a new flag… that’s just so much admin. All the protesting! We got things to do, ya know? These legs don’t tan themselves (they really don’t.)

The only reason anyone I know and have spoken to about this would vote for the Cape Party is because of this guy >Jack Miller, party president. He’s cute. Crazy, but cute.

Now onto you guys; the voting public. Do you think I know as much as I think that I know, or am I totally wrong about this? Vote in the poll and leave a comment.